How To Survive In A K-Drama World

It’s our responsibility, nay our duty at FarEastFilms to guide the unwary traveller through the alternate realities of K-Drama, whether it be on television or on the big screen. We’ve tirelessly compiled tips that will help you on your journey should you ever by drawn into this hierarchical universe and have to contend with divinely constructed Korean characters.

1. IF YOU’RE NOT UTTERLY GORGEOUS, TRY TO BEFRIEND SOMEONE WHO IS.

If you know that Lee Joon-Gi will not look twice at you and Jun Ji-Hyun would be physically repulsed by you, ally yourself with those who may be nearer their level. You might have to be content with being ‘quirky best friend of the lead’, but that’s better than a poke in the face with a long pokey thing.

2. IF YOU’VE COME FROM A RURAL AREA TO SEOUL OR BUSAN, DON’T BE TOO BACKWARD.

The fact is that everyone you meet in The Big City, whether you hail from the Korean hinterland or the Nebraskan tundra, will treat you as if you’re a poorly trained chimpanzee. If you want to blend in, try not to look too impressed by running water or indoor toilets. If you are from Korea’s rural fringes and have a curly perm (which seems to be everyone) get a pair of very good hair straighteners.

3. MEN, DON’T BE AFRAID TO CRY.

Not just cry, but do so in an especially affected way. Each tear should look as if its torn from your very flesh while your eyes should be firmly focused on the middle distance. Use those tears sparingly though: if you’re blubbing as soon as you’re next to the hero/heroine, don’t expect much sympathy.

4. HAVEN’T GOT A TRAGIC BACK STORY? YOU BETTER GET ONE.

This is vital to all of those who aspire to rub shoulders with the elite. You will find that you can treat people quite horrendously if it is later revealed that you are concealing a past tragedy. You can get girls to clean your shoes (‘Boys Over Flowers’) or belittle them unmercifully (‘A Millionaire’s First Love’) if it emerges that you had a tough childhood. Remember, the extremity of your swaggering arrogance will only be justified by something special (‘I was abandoned by my wealthy parents and raised by an auntie who would beat me with a wooden plank…’)

5. LADIES, START SCREECHING.

Joo Jin-Mo’s heart will only melt if you’re a feisty little tomcat. And what better way to show this by adopting an ear-piercing Korean screech, the kind that makes all local wildlife run to their respective homes. Stand up for yourself and be a rough tough cream puff (‘Secret Garden’), maybe even gesticulate wildly with one arm while the other remains firmly planted on your delicate hips.

6. DON’T BE TOO GORGEOUS.

The irony is that, if you’re superhumanly attractive, you’ll end up on the shelf. You may walk exquisitely in slo-mo, you may have members of the opposite sex salivating like hungry Labradors, you may even have your own K-Pop theme, but that allure will only last so long. Try wearing some thick-rimmed spectacles to hide the full extent of your beauty until the suitable time for it to be revealed (‘Please Teach Me English’).

7. OK, YOU’RE HOT, BUT CAN YOU FIGHT?

It’s all good and well looking perfectly-groomed, but if you can’t mix it up with your rivals then there’ll be trouble. Now if can look good while you beat your enemies black and blue, you’ve really got something (‘Romance Of Their Own’, ‘My Mighty Princess’, ‘Cyborg She’).

8. MAKE SURE YOUR FAMILY ARE COMPLETE ODDBALLS.

Nice quiet parents, adoring sibling, sweet elderly relative? Caution! If you’re that wonderful and well adjusted why are your family so normal? Where’s the fun in that? Get an overbearing mother (‘My Name Is Kim Sam Soon’) or a dotty father (‘The Host’).

9. PINE OVER YOU LOST LOVE.

Looking meaningfully out of a coffee shop window as the world goes by, contemplating the girl/boy you loved and how nothing since then has made you remotely happy (‘Cyrano Agency’, ‘My Sassy Girl’, ‘Love Wind, Love Song’).

10. BE AN ARROGANT, CONCEITED GENIUS (WITH A HEART OF GOLD).

You’re the greatest chef in Korea (‘Pasta’), a musical prodigy (‘Beethoven Virus’) or an expert surgeon (‘White Tower)…just make sure everyone knows it. Demand perfection from all around you even though you know they can never match up to your expectations. Beneath that aloof exterior though has to be a heart waiting to be tamed though.

11. IF YOU WANT TO GET THE GIRL, SPEND MORE TIME APPLYING MAKE-UP/DOING YOUR HAIR THAN SHE DOES.

Have you got facial hair? Off it comes and on your now ‘smooth-as-a-baby’s-bottom’ face goes more foundation than is used by ‘Girls Generation’ and ‘K-ARA’ put together. Guyliner won’t hurt (‘You’re Beautiful’) nor will gravity-defying floppy hair (‘Boys Over Flowers’) or blouse-like outfits (‘Stranger Than Paradise’).

12. HELLO ARTHOUSE, GOODBYE SMILE.

The trite world of standard K-drama is beneath you and you yearn to enter a Kim-Ki Duk kind of world. So you brood and sulk as if you were a spoilt three year old who’s had their favourite toy confiscated. Your life is unrelenting misery even when you do find someone to briefly share some time with (‘3 Iron’). Everyone you know is a duplicitous pervert (‘The Isle’, ‘The Chaser’,  ‘Memories Of Murder’) or is utterly absorbed in the ones they ‘love’ (‘Mother’, ‘Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance’) to the detriment of everybody else in the cosmos. Every day is a violent, Sisyphean test of endurance (‘Man From Nowhere’, ‘Green Fish’, ‘Peppermint Candy’) through grotty Seoul streets, seedy bars and neon-lit, vomit-infused alleyways (‘Oldboy’). Escape into the tranquil countryside and rub shoulders with some of the most repellent and odious people you’ll ever meet (‘The Moss’, ‘Address Unknown’, ‘Chaw’, ‘Bedevilled’).

Now journey on, brave soul. We have equipped you with nearly everything you need to survive and maybe even prosper (unless you go down the route of number 12.). Let us know if we can be of anymore help, dear friends.